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Friday, Nov. 28, 2008 | 03:52
Chih, you broke my heart into millions of pieces until it's almost impossible for me to mend them back together. I've been trying all these years, but everytime I put some pieces together, you came again and shattered them. Some pieces might have lost forever that even I am able to put them back together, it will never be complete, because you have the important pieces. I know you're with someone now, and I feel so *defeated* I want you to be happy, but more than anything, I want to be the person who makes you happy, I want to be the cause of your happiness. I know that I still have this stupid hope, but then I'm just a hopeless romantic, hoping for the impossible? Sweetie, what does it take?
Thursday, Mar. 22, 2007 | 13:05
Friday, Mar. 16, 2007 | 22:10 Happy 25th Birthday Chih! May you have another 3/4 century to go :-) and may you have a wonderful, happy and fulfilling life.
Thursday, Mar. 16, 2006 | 18:40 Happy 24th Birthday!
Saturday, Mar. 19, 2005 | 03:28 I received the weirdest email yesterday. It’s from www.blogger.com saying that they’re replying to my request, but the thing is I’ve never requested anything from that site. In fact I’ve forgotten that I have an account with them. Before Diaryland, I registered with that site, but I didn’t like it because there’s a big banner at the top, and that’s why I chose Diaryland. I haven’t visited that site ever since that and that was back in 2003. I visited the link anyway and I have to set a new password. I found out that the only way for me to receive that email is if I’ve forgotten my password and I want to request for a new password. In a way, it’s good that I received that email, so now I have another blogging spot. I can’t believe I’m getting into this blogging trend. So I might as well use it to post the pics I’ve taken. Not that it’ll be any interest to anyone, but hey, I can do anything I want with it, right? Anyway, I’ve been thinking on how is it possible for me to receive that email in the first place. The only other person who knows that I have an account with them is...no, it’s not possible. She’s the one who introduced me to it and she was the one who created that account. But…it’s so not possible. As I thought further, I think the best logical explanation is that someone else thought that their username is piper22 and they’ve forgotten the password and requested for another one, but only to realize that the email was sent to me. Yeah, that’s the most logical explanation. But the funniest or the weirdest part is the email was sent on her birthday.
Wednesday, Mar. 16, 2005 | 20:33
Friday, Mar. 11, 2005 | 20:33 I’m going off to the east coast to spend my weekend with some strangers. I hope they’re okay. They’re the people from Nature Society, so they should be good people, right? I volunteered to join them to do this beach clean-up thing because the monsoon season just ended and the beach is pretty messy, so we’re going to collect the rubbish and stuff. It seems like a fun thing to do. I can spend some time at the beach, far away from the city and my misery, so I jumped at the first chance I got. Besides we’re going to meet up with young local kids. Even though we’re from the same country, but we’re very much different, it’s like a whole new country over there, and it’s really peaceful. I better leave now for my 8 hours bus ride. I hope it’s going to go really well.Wish me luck.
Thursday, Mar. 10, 2005 | 17:15
Freudian slip n. I made one last night. I was teaching my students C programming and I was trying to explain this C statement: I wanted to say “c-h” but instead I said her name out loud. I didn’t think the students noticed, especially when they didn’t know a thing. But I caught it straight away and I had to take a pause. I haven’t said her name out loud for a long time. It’s too painful.
Wednesday, Mar. 09, 2005 | 19:47 I think I’ve signed myself up as the unofficial spokesperson for the gay community over here. I realized that I’ve been defending the community and trying to make people aware and understand them a bit better, that it's not a bad thing. Like last night, a colleague mentioned that one of our colleagues that is the photographer for funtions in this college, who is a guy, took a couple of pictures of another guy that didn’t seem necessary. I asked her if she thinks he’s leaning that way but she didn’t think so. Then I said even if he is what’s wrong with that, right? Then she mentioned about the news she saw on the tv about a couple of gay people protesting to get the right of same sex marriage. I said that all they want is equality and all the benefits that other married couple get, like medical benefit or inheritance, and sometimes they just want to make it official and legal, showing their commitment to each other. But she still can’t accept that people can get attracted to people of the same gender, she said it’s a disease. I said it’s not a disease; attraction is something that you can’t help sometimes, no matter how hard you try. If a girl likes a guy, doesn’t mean she likes all guys. It’s the same thing, if a girl likes another girl, doesn’t mean she likes all girls. People fall in love with the person and sometimes that person happens to be of the same gender. She still can’t accept it. I said what if someday she meets a girl that blows her mind away and she wakes up the next day and the only thing that she can think of is that girl, what would she do? She said it would never happen, but she paused and said that she wouldn't know, it could happen. It was a good conversation though; it’s not that we’re fighting on who’s right or who’s wrong. I just want people to stop having this negative perception of gay people. I guess I’m fighting this battle one person at a time, and so far, so good. And maybe I'm trying to come out bit by bit, so that when the day comes, if it ever comes, nobody will be shocked with the news. In fact every time I mentioned that I like to look at guys and girls, people seems to accept it, or maybe they think I'm joking.
Friday, Mar. 04, 2005 | 18:11 I woke up feeling rejuvenated today and I felt so energetic, which was a good thing. It’s something I really need today because I participated in this bowling tournament among the colleges in the university. Actually it’s only for students, but they didn’t have enough girl players and because I’m still officially a master’s student here, so I was kinda sweet talked to join it. It was a good thing, I had a great time. Anyway, first of all, the reason I think I felt good this morning was caused by the dream I had last night. I dreamt that she was here, but she looked different and reserved and she treated me bad. There was a time when I sat next to her and she told me that she hates me, but I told her that I still love her. A couple of other things happened along the way, which I can’t remember, but the next thing I knew, I was seating with some friends in a dinner table and she’s supposed to sit next to me, but instead Ralph Fiennes was there. I don’t know why he’s in my dream, maybe because I just watched “Red Dragon”. I closed my eyes a couple of times and said to myself that when I opened my eyes, she would be there instead of him, but it didn’t happen. But in a way, my wish came true because one of her friends came by and told me that she wanted to see me. So I went to her, but she looked like she’s gonna hit me. I was standing beside a wall, so I had no choice but to sit down and covered myself and waited for the hit. She didn’t hit me though; instead she kissed my left ear, then she kissed my lips. I can feel that kiss and I can hear the sound, it felt so real. When I opened my eyes, she looked just like the person I knew and she told me that she still loves me, so I said that I love her too. I was so happy in that dream that I can feel it even after I woke up. The funny thing is, in that dream, I was hanging around with her, and then I realized that it’s 8.45 am. In real life, I have to be at the bowling alley by 9 am for the registration, and it’s the same thing in my dream. So I was panicking because I’d be late. Some time after that, I woke up, and luckily I wasn’t late. I hope I’ll dream of something better tonight because I need it for tomorrow. It is 2 days of bowling. Today was ‘double’ and tomorrow’s ‘single’ play. I had to play 4 sets of game today and my arm was really tired that I dropped the ball. Tomorrow we have to play 8 sets. All I know is that by the end of tomorrow, I’ll be one hell of a player. Okay, maybe not, but I know that I’m way better now than I was in Wednesday. I was never a fan of bowling and I hardly got above 100 scores, but today I got that in 3 out of 4 games. It felt good. I wasn’t really competing with other people, I was competing with myself. It’s fun being one of the students again. There’s something about being a student that you’ll never get back when you’re working. It’s like every single thing can be fun, and it’s a totally different kind of fun.
Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005 | 23:29 Some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days. I woke up feeling so dreadful, I didn’t even know why. Was it because of something that I dreamt of? But I can’t even remember my dream. It’s funny how I can still cry so much after all these years, and I still think of things that I could have done or things that could have happened. While I was driving to work, I thought of how it’d be like if we’re still together when she got back here last year. Probably I still can’t pick her up from the airport because she came home with her cousin and her family would be there. I probably can’t see her early the next day anyway because she stayed the night at her cousin’s house, and I would only see her late that night because she had a dinner with her grandmother before that. But I’m sure the night would be different. I’d probably still wait for her on the steps for hours, and when she walked by, I would surprise her. I would get to hug her without the feeling of not being able to see her anymore, and I can tell her just how much I miss her. I would not have given her a yellow rose, instead it would be red, and she would love it. Then we’d talk for a while. See, all that wishful thinking just brought me down even further, I should stop but it comes to my head once in a while. Luckily I went out with some colleagues for lunch; it did take my mind off all the things I shouldn’t think about. Now I’m back home with my kittens and watching Return of the Jedi, so it’s not so bad anymore. I bought some fishes because Bagel’s not satisfied with the cat food. She’s always so hungry. I can’t give her chicken anymore after what happened back in my hometown. We have some chicks and Bagel ate one of them. We tried to save the chick but in turn its head was disintegrated from its body. It’s a pretty horrific scene. My close friend lost her only sister to cancer early yesterday. Her sister just found out that she had cancer in December, and in 2 months she passed away. There’s no early warning, by the time she knew, almost 70-80% of her body was infected. I probably met her sister once a few years ago, so it’s pretty weird when my friend told me that she asked my friend about me. Well, not only me, she asked about another friend too, but that girl’s a local celebrity, so it’s pretty understandable. My friend was surprised too, of all her friends, her sister only ask about us. Life is short, and it’s even shorter for some. We don’t know when our time is up, so we should seize the day. That’s the most common thing for people to say, but seizing the day is not as easy as it sounds, especially when you get to that working life and you have to wake up every day doing the same dreadful thing. Boredom seeps through, life becomes so stale, and sometimes you feel defeated. And at the end of the day, you have no love ones to see or to come home to, no one to keep you through the day.
Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005 | 23:58 Yesterday was a disaster day. I woke up to a very messy place. Bagel tore the garbage bag and the garbage was everywhere. One of the kittens was making lots of noises that I kept waking up. I didn’t sleep well at all. I can’t remember when the last time I had a very good night sleep was. At least now I had a scientific explanation for that besides my mind is a mess. And now one of the kittens is trying to get into my shorts. Every single night they would either try to get into my pants or my shirt, or they would bite my feet. I know I’m lonely, but I don’t need all of these from my kittens :D I’ve also been dropping things here and there. Then I went to my office and realized that I forgot to lock the door the whole weekend. Luckily my notebook’s not there. Then I went to my car and realized that I forgot to lock it too, but nothing was stolen. It’s like nothing’s going right. I was supposed to meet a bone specialist yesterday, but I didn’t have the time to do it. I didn’t know when they’ll come here again. Maybe if it’s too bad, I’ll go find another one. I’ve been having this back problem for a while, but I never thought much of it, always thinking that it’s because I’m getting older. It started getting worse when I went to GH and got on some rides. It was great fun though, but on one of the rides, I knocked my back on the seat and it felt really sore after that. I decided to get a massage at my hometown from this old lady. It was painful, parts of my body were making weird noises, like it’s gonna break apart. Then I decided to do a reflexology and that’s when I found out that I have problems with my spinal cord. She told me that’s why I have been having restless sleep and my back aches all the time. And that’s why it’s hard for me to wake up in the morning. Maybe I should tell my boss that whenever I come late to work. I also have digestive problem, and the way for me to solve that is to take pills. I guess every part of my body is breaking apart.
Friday, Feb. 18, 2005 | 19:02 While I was invigilating an exam last night, I thought of a job I applied back in 2002. It was for a position of field engineer at Schlumberger. I really wanted to job, mainly because I wanted to work all over the world. I wanted to always be on the move, no permanent resident, be like a nomad. Unfortunately I didn’t get the job. I was thinking what it would be like if I get the job. I would have been somewhere in the world by now. I would have left back in 2002, before anything started between me and her. There would be no CH, therefore I wouldn’t have fell for her in the first place. She would have never confessed her feelings for me, and I would have never returned her feelings. Life would be so much simpler. I might still be alone right now, at least I won’t be hurting this bad. The person who said that it’s better to love and lost than never to love at all is stupid. For me, it’s better not to feel love at all. At least I wouldn’t have known what I’ve missed. If I would have gotten that job, I would leave before her. I would have been the one leaving, but then it’s not like I would be leaving anyone behind. I would have been somewhere in France, or Sudan, or something, living on an oil platform, probably somewhere on the ocean, or somewhere in the desert, and definitely far away from people. When I went for the interview, they told me that there won’t be any tv, and I was reluctant to leave that behind, but now I don’t give a damn on what’s on tv. Besides, there’s always DVD. I think I wasn’t ready for that job before, so maybe I should try my luck again. But then everything happens for a reason, right? Maybe I wasn’t supposed to get that job, maybe I was supposed to have that with her, even for such a short time, maybe I’m meant to live such a miserable life, maybe I’m meant to screw things us to make me realize the depth of my feelings for her. All these maybe makes my head throb. I’m gonna go off to meet a friend that just broke up with her girlfriend. I hope she’s in a better state now.
Thursday, Feb. 17, 2005 | 18:52 Today is Tyler’s second birthday. Who is Tyler? Tyler is a red fluffy teddy bear. I bought Tyler while I was waiting for her to finish her dinner with her family. So, in the mean time, I drove to the mall to look for something meaningful to give her. I walked to this gift store and I fell in love with it instantly. I knew it’s the perfect present to give, especially because she loves the color red and “#1” was written on it. But there’s a couple of that exact teddy bear there. I wanted to pull one of them from the shelves, and this particular one fell on me. So I took it around the store, trying to compare with the others for defect, and I found it to be perfect. I bought it and pack it in a blue box. I surprised her again with that gift. I realized now that I love giving her something when I can see her reaction, because those are priceless. She’s the one who named it Tyler because there’s a “Ty” tag. I know she loves Tyler, besides Tyler and I are separate entities. No matter what, she will always be my number 1. Happy Birthday Tyler!
Thursday, Feb. 17, 2005 | 03:03 I got an email from my boss asking me to see him to discuss some matters. That kinda scared me though. I’m always afraid meeting people with authority. I feel so small when I talk to them. But I always put a false bravado, show them that I’m not afraid of them, but deep down inside I’m just a kid that can get thorn apart with their words. I kept thinking whether I’ve done something wrong to my boss. What is it that he wants to talk to me about? Sure, I wasn’t that enthusiastic in doing my work. I am so tired with my work! Have been for a very long time. I’ve been working in this company for almost seven years. It’s too long to do something that you don’t like. The work is boring, it’s not challenging, and I feel like I’m not even using the best of my abilities. I’m not even happy working there. I’ve never been happy working there. I’m better off working as a waitress or working at the coffee shop if that makes me happy. I’m gonna dread going to work tomorrow. Maybe he wants to say something about my attitude. I’ve had two authorities told me that I have attitude problem, so probably I really do. The first one was a teacher in high school that never liked me. I didn’t know what I did wrong to her. She liked to torture me in class, made me answer questions until I can’t answer them anymore, and said bad things about me in front of the whole class. I can still remember she said that I won’t ever succeed. I was only 14 at that time. I wanted to prove her wrong. But she passed away because of breast cancer a few years ago. I’m not holding any grudges against her anymore. Another one was a person that had to take care of us when we first went to the States. I guess she’s kinda like our supervisor and arranged things for us. I can’t remember what made her said that to me. It must have been something that I wrongly said. Well, whatever happens, happens. I’m going to see him and see what he has to say. Besides I’ll be leaving soon.
Tuesday, Feb. 15, 2005 | 20:50 Yesterday was another Valentine’s Day. It’s just another day, right? It’s nothing important, although it ain’t fun when you’re reminded about it every time. 2 years ago, I spent this day with her. I always said it’s not important what day it is, because every day is special when you’re spending it with someone special. But somehow I chose to take a day off on that day. We’re supposed to meet early in the morning to have breakfast, but that morning I got a message saying that she had something to do and she can only meet me after noon. I was disappointed because I thought that I can spend the whole day with her. In order to take my mind off, I went to the office anyway. I should have told her that I didn’t mind following her around to run her errands, but I didn’t say anything. When I finally met her that day, I was moody. I wasn’t angry at her, although she thought that I was. In fact now she said that I was furious on that day, which is an over dramatized version of what actually happened. I was just sad at the situation; I wanted to spend as much time that I can with her, because she’s leaving soon. Anyway, I wore a red shirt on that day, a shirt that I didn’t wear that often because I wasn’t that fond with the color red. It made her happy though, that’s my plan. We just hanged out at her place and I watched her packed her things. She was choosing which dress to bring and I was sad to see her packing. At some point, I was humming some songs without realizing the songs that I hummed meant something. It was “Stay”, “A Whole New World” and “Tears on My Pillow”. I love that moment I spent with her, it’s like a glimpse of our life. That night, her mother’s going out, so we had to bring her brother along for dinner. She was sad because we can’t spend that time just the two of us. I was just happy to be able to spend the time with her. I wanted to surprise her by giving her a red rose, so I’ve done my homework a few weeks before. I suggested that we had our dinner at this mall because I already knew where the flower shop was. After dinner, I asked her to go back to the car first so I can buy the flower. Then I wrapped the flower in a big plastic bag so she can’t see it. When she asked what it was, I said it’s a magazine and she didn’t think more of it. We dropped her brother off and we went to get something to drink, and that’s when I surprised her with the flower. She was so shocked; she never thought I would do something like that. But a year ago, it’s a whole different story. She didn’t want to talk to me anymore at that time. I decided to talk to her mother because she told me that her mother wouldn’t allow her to see me anymore. I didn’t know what I wanted to say to her mother, I just felt that I have to. It seemed like a right thing to do at that time. Boy, was I wrong. I guess sometimes the only way to know you do something wrong is to get that big slap on your face. And that was a really big slap. It was a long ride and the road’s jammed. It was a very hot day and my car’s air cond’s not working. My shirt was soaked by the time I got there. I sat outside her mother’s office for a long time to gather my courage. Every time I tried to make a move, I choked and I sat down again. Luckily she wasn’t there. But she came by at some point. She was so angry when she saw me there. I wanted to give her something but she didn’t want to take it, so I left it in her mailbox. It was like some cheesy drama, I stood by her car hoping that she’d talk to me, but she drove away and I just stood there watching her car left. So finally I gathered enough courage to walk into the office. I asked her mother out for a drink and she agreed. After we sat down, I didn’t know what to say or where to start. I probably babbled a lot, and I choked too, but there’s no turning back because she’s right in front of me. I said I was sorry for all the mistakes that I’ve done, but it didn’t seem that she’s willing to forgive me. I asked her if it’s possible for me to see her daughter one last time, but she wouldn’t let me. She said that I was bad for her daughter, that because of me she had been coming home late, and she went out without telling her. I guess I was to blame for some part of it. She also told me that she would kick her daughter out of the house and wouldn’t consider her as her daughter if she ever sees me again. There’s nothing I can do to make her like me. There’s nothing I can say to make things right. I’ve done too many wrong things. After she left, I sat there crying. I’ve been holding my tears the whole time I talked to her. Then her uncle came over and he said that I was too young to cry. That made me wanted to cry even more.
Wednesday, Feb. 09, 2005 | 00:13 Tonight is Chinese New Year’s Eve. A year ago, on this very eve, I called her before I made my way back to my hometown. She was having her big family dinner and she can’t really talk. It was okay though; I just want to wish her before I went back. Then she messaged me saying that she’s sorry that she can’t talk just now, but I told her that it’s okay. I understood that she had her family thing to do, so I didn’t bother her anymore. That night I left my phone on, wishing that she would message me, and she did. She asked if I wanted to hear her speaking in Mandarin. Hell, I would listen to her recite the alphabet. I called her and we talked for a while, but as usual the line’s not that clear over at my place. It’s pretty frustrating, esp. when you have to repeatedly say "Hello" when you didn’t hear anything on the other line, or when you can hear the other person’s voice but that person can’t hear you. There was a time when she can’t hear my voice and she kept repeating my name in that worried voice. It was sweet but she said it must have sounded pathetic. I still think it sounded sweet. She told me that she wished something from the god of luck, or was it some other god, I can’t remember. Happy Chinese New Year! May all of your wishes come true! I left Bagel and the kittens at the pet store for a couple of days while I’m going away. It’s so hard to leave them there. I kept wondering if she’s going to be well fed, that if she’s hungry. She likes to eat at any time but at the pet store they have feeding time. I'm sure she'll miss me. It’s like leaving your kids at the boarding school; you can’t stop wondering if they’re okay. If I'm a mother, I might be a very concern or an annoying mother. Heh, I’m pretty good with the latter. Tomorrow I’m gonna go for kinda like a road trip with my niece to one of the Highlands, not the other one because too many memories. I just want to have fun during this long weekend, there’s nothing much to do if I go back to my hometown. I have my Lonely Planet book, so we’ll just go to wherever we feel like going after that, although not that far because the toll’s pretty expensive and I still haven’t received my bonus, damn employer!
Tuesday, Feb. 08, 2005 | 11:51
I woke up with really big puffy eyes this morning. I looked hideous; in fact I still look hideous now, and all of this because of a fic I read last night. The title is The Sunset by Saoirse. In this fic, Buffy found out that she has cancer and she’s going to die in a few months. So she looked for Faith that she hasn’t seen for seven years because she didn’t want any regrets. "…it is important in life to fight for what you want… to have no regrets." It’s beautifully written, very moving and powerful story. I haven’t read anything like this for a long time. It’s so hard to read last night because my eyes were always watery that I can’t even see the words on the screen. I haven’t cried that much because of a fic in a long time. The last time might have been The Passage of Time and I think that was back in 2001. This fic told me that it’s important to tell the person you love just how much you love them so that they know and they will have no doubt. I don’t think it’s ever too late, as long as both of you are still alive. I love you, I have no doubt.
Thursday, Feb. 03, 2005 | 16:55
I met with some of my friend’s friends and we had dinner at Manhattan Fish Market. It wasn’t that good, esp. since I’m not a fan of fish and chips. I prefer meat. But it was fun meeting them even when I don’t know them. All of us went to boarding schools and studied overseas, so it’s easier for us to get along. One of them went to the same school with a guy friend, so I asked her if she knew him, and she said “the cute one”. It was nice to hear, not that I have feelings for him anymore, but still it’s nice to hear. I looked at some of the old pictures in my pc, and some of the group pictures have her in it: the one with the coasters, the one where she's playing Jenga. I can look at them now, I’m okay. Yeah, I don’t feel like tearing up, so I must be okay, right? If I say “I’m okay” too much, does it mean that I’m really okay or does it show that I’m not? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I talked to one of my friends; she’s going to move to another country to be with her husband. Everyone’s going somewhere, I can’t be left behind. Today is my friend's birthday. Not that she's a close friend, but somehow I can remember calling her on this day 2 years ago to wish happy birthday. I remember it well because I was at the shopping mall with her and her brother. The same mall that we went for our 'supposed anniversary' last year. We were playing games at the arcade, and that's when I remember to call my friend. One simple thing makes me remember all the events surrounding it.
Monday, Jan. 31, 2005 | 20:23
It’s funny how strangers can make me happy and how I can make strangers happy. I had to shut down wicked & divine a few months ago because I used the university’s server as the host and some of my students found the site. I decided to take it down in order not to get into trouble, just in case the higher people in the university finds out. It’s not that I have a good reputation to keep and not that I want to work here for 20 years or so, but it’d be a big scandal if it ever comes out. The next thing I'd know, I'd be the one who created a hard-core lesbian porn site. You know how stories get bend out of shape, get tabloidized, if there's such a word. I don’t need all that attention. So I was looking for a new place to host the site. Some people have been very generous to offer me their server space, some wrote emails of support, encouragement and understanding, and some even offer to give me money so that I can buy some server space. People can be so nice and touching. So I decided to accept the offer of a server space and I finally uploaded the site and now it’s back. When I switched on my email the next day, I received lots of emails from very happy people, telling me how much I’ve made their day and just how happy they are. It’s a good feeling that a simple thing can make people feel that way. Although I have to say that my interest on the site has wane a lot over the years. I still think Buffy and Faith belongs together. Their love stories are so tragic that there’s no other way for them; it’s either love or hate, both with extreme passion :) Now I found it hard to read Buffy and Faith fics without getting emotional.
Saturday, Jan. 29, 2005 | 03:11 I’ve been tossing and turning for almost 1 ½ hour, so I switched on my notebook. There’s no point of just lying in bed, might as well do something. I’m tired and sleepy but still I can’t sleep. So I played Solitaire, Vegas version. Every time there seemed like a chance for me to win, then suddenly I can’t turn anymore cards. I didn’t know how many times I played until I finally won. It kept teasing me, giving me hope, making me think that I can win, but every time I kept losing. At least this time I won with some money in the bank. Sometimes I had to play so many times to win that in the end even when I win, I still lose. It’s just like life and love. Sometimes you deal some bad cards and you have no choice but to continue playing the game. Even when you lose, you still keep on playing. Your negative scores keep getting bigger and bigger, but you keep on playing anyway, hoping that at some point you’ll get lucky and everything will be smooth sailing after that. Maybe I should try to sleep. It’s 3 am and I have to work tomorrow.
Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005 | 23:53
I woke up today and saw that Bagel had moved all her kittens inside my wardrobe. The wardrobe’s zipper was broken so I can’t zip it up, and I didn’t lock my room last night because I just watched The Grudge, I kept picturing the faces in the movie. Hopefully tonight I can think of something else. Happy 2nd Year Anniversary for what could have been. We could have been together for 2 years now, but everything doesn’t permit. It would always be a special day. I don’t know whether she remembers or she cares. Maybe she has already completely erased me from her heart and mind. Some people took 6 years to get over someone; I don’t know how long it’ll take me. It must have sounded pathetic if she’s ever going to read this, not that she will. She’s no longer reading my mails, why would she bother reading this blog. I’m not writing this blog for anyone to read though; it’s just for my own sake. 2 years ago last night, I was invited to her home for the first time. At first I thought that I can’t meet her that night because she’s supposed to go out with her friends. I had to meet some people around her area and I was glad that it ended early. I called her and it turned out that she’s staying home and she hadn’t had her dinner, so I asked her out. The next day I picked her up for our weekend at a place by the beach. Before we went there, we went shopping for food to bring there. When we entered the room at that place, I went straight to the tv to see what channel they have and she went straight to the fridge to put the food, it’s pretty funny the roles we quickly took in. It was a fantastic weekend. A year ago on this day, I met her at a shopping mall. We had broken up by then. I thought that I can’t see her again but she told me the night before that she can meet me but she had to bring her brother along. I didn’t mind, in fact I would meet all her family if that’s what it takes for me to see her. I was at my hometown that weekend. Normally I wouldn’t wake up early on Sunday morning and I wouldn’t leave my hometown that early, but I would do anything just to see her. I drove for about 3 hours to get there and we met at the book store. I can still remember what she wore. She told me that it took her a long time to pick up what to wear. She was looking at the Lonely Planet book on New Zealand, so she showed me where her building was. Then we had lunch at Kenny Rogers. Her brother went to the car to put his book, so I had some time alone with her. I asked her how she’s been and she said she felt better now that she can see me. But I looked sad, because before I met her she told me that her mother said that was the last time she can see me. It’s hard to show a happy face when I knew how the ending will be. We had some drinks at Dome and played some games at the arcade. I sucked at all the games, she beat me good. The evening ended too soon, her brother wanted to go home and she had to go home with him. We did wish each other Happy Anniversary. That night she packed her stuff to go back to New Zealand. She asked if I wanted to talk, so I called her. I was on the phone with her the whole time she was packing her things up till she went to bed. That was the last time I saw her smiled a real smile to me. I remember how we decided on our anniversary date. I was driving to work one morning when suddenly I thought of a date for our anniversary. I felt January 25 would be the perfect date. Later when I was chatting with her online, she mentioned about it first and that she thought January 25 should be our anniversary date. It’s pretty funny because we were thinking of the exact thing on the same day. Maybe we were soul mates, and maybe we’re just not meant to be.
Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005 | 00:35 I spent my weekend not thinking about her that much, which is a good thing, although not enough because I can’t seem not to think of her at all. I dreamt about her a few nights ago. As usual my dream was weird. I dreamt that I was chased by a beast that had very sharp and long teeth. I knew that I was going to be killed by the beast, it’s written somewhere or someone told me. So I tried to run away, I was trying to change my fate, but it got to me anyway. Luckily I wasn’t killed but I was badly bitten. Its teeth were all over my body. I had to take them out and I had blood everywhere. I did change my fate though. Now instead of dying instantly, I was going to die in 60 days or 60 months, I can’t remember, because of the cuts. Suddenly she was there. In my dream, I knew that we had broken up, but she let me hug her and held her to sleep. We’re staying in a house and we’re always afraid that the beast was going to come back to finish me off. That’s all I can remember. I went back to my hometown last weekend. Bringing home Bagel is one thing, bringing home Bagel and her kittens is another thing. I probably had to take 5 or 6 trips, in and out of my house, up and down the stairs, to the car to bring all my things including Bagel and the kittens. It’s like having lots of kids. In the car, Bagel can’t sit still and made lots of noises, probably she’s worried about her kids because normally she’s calm in the car. She kept going back and forth to her box and to my lap that at one point she brought one of her kids to my lap. I had to drive, calm her down, put her kid back in the box, smoke my cigarettes and change the radio station. It was havoc. On top of that, the highway’s jammed and I was so tired and sleepy. I reached my hometown around 1.30 am on Friday morning. I didn’t plan on going home that late because the last time I went home late, I had to drive on a very empty road, surrounded by blackness, and it’s pretty scary. But this time there’s lots of cars, everyone’s going home for the long weekend. Then I had to wake up early the next morning because we had some cooking plan. I baked three types of cheesecakes with my sister. It’s pretty fun but lots of work and we can’t taste our victory right after. We had to wait 3 hours. It’s funny though because it’s our religious holiday. We’re supposed to celebrate but all of us spent the time in the kitchen. Saturday was the resting day, so I played PS2-Need For Speed: Underground. Actually my little brother won all the races for me so that I can modify my car :) Right now I’m driving a red Mazda RX-7, with red tinted window, red rims, and a flame vinyl on the side. It’s a beauty. Unfortunately it’s just a game, oh well, I can dream. Then on Sunday, my big brother had his open house and I had to help. Another tiring day. Finally that night we can sit and relax. I had some drinks with my sister and my niece. My sister is from a different mother and my niece’s mother is from a different mother too. So we talked about how our father met our mothers. My niece’s mother is only 5 years younger than my mother, so she knew lots of stories that I didn’t know. I’ve never asked my mother about it because I didn’t know how to talk to her. Sometimes my niece’s know more about my mother than me. I found out from my sister that my father once told her mother that among his kids, I was the prettiest of them all. I told her that she should have told me sooner, maybe I can be nicer to him then. Now it’s too late, but I can never talk to my father anyway. He’s somewhat a stranger to me. All of us had that bitter memories with him. I stayed with my sister last night because I was too tired to go home. Finally today I went back to my place. I think Bagel’s pretty tired with all the moving. Tomorrow’s another off day, so I can just stay home, lounge around and watch Cartoon Network. Yay.
Wednesday, Jan. 19, 2005 | 01:28 I watched The Golden Globe Awards last night. I felt like I was back in my childhood years when I love to watch the award shows so that I can see clips of the movies even though I never heard of any of them. That’s what happened last night. I’ve never heard of almost all of the movies nominated. In fact I didn’t even know what movies or which actors and actresses were nominated until last night. That was so out of character for me. I use to know all of these the moment they announced the nomination. When I was in the States, I used to wake up early just to watch the nominations at 9 am. I’ve changed. I guess I realized just how unimportant all of these are. What good does it do to me anyway? Entertainment is just temporary happiness. But then The Golden Globe reminded me of last year, but last year it was on the 25th of January. I didn’t remember the date because of the award but because of other important happenings on that day. I’m watching Average Joe: Adam Returns now. He had to choose between Samantha and Rachel. They’re very different; one’s fire and passion, the other’s sweet and safe. Which one would he choose? I always choose passion, that’s why it burns me. Yay! He chose Samantha! I like Rachel too, she’s a very nice girl and pretty cute, so it’s sad to see her being rejected that way, but maybe there’s no passion between them. He told Samantha that when he’s not with her, he really wants to be with her, and when he’s with her, all he wants is to hold her tight and keep her forever. Hell, that’s what I felt the whole time. Passion consumed me. Today I was thinking about some of my unreasonable actions. Sometimes I can’t understand why I did what I did, but when I think about it longer, I know why. I thought about the time I was angry at her because she can’t meet me. We’re supposed to meet up on Thursday afternoon (even though we just saw each other a few hours before that) but she had to go visit her grandmother who’s living in another state, with her mother. I wasn’t angry that she had to go see her grandmother. She had to leave this country in a few weeks and she hadn’t seen her grandmother for a while. She should spend time with her, but I can’t help missing her presence. We’re supposed to meet up on Saturday when she came home but then it turned out that she can only leave on Sunday. I was frustrated, I haven’t seen her for only a few days but I was already agitated. I turned my frustration to anger, I was so wrong. It’s not her fault that she can’t come home. I remember sending her a text message quoting “The Rose”, and now that I listened to the song again, I feel like I have to write down the whole lyrics: Some say love it is a river that drowned the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor that leads your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger, an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower and you, its only seed
It’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It’s the one who won’t be taken, who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love in the spring becomes the rose.
I told my students that they should be able to compile their programs so that they know all the mistakes they’ve done in order to correct them. If they don’t know their mistakes, they will continue making the same mistakes. Right after I said that, I took a long pause. I realized how true it was. Sometimes someone has to tell us that we’ve done something wrong, because we might never realize it on our own. If we don’t know, then we will continue doing the same mistakes again.
Sunday, Jan. 16, 2005 | 23:55
I cleaned up my new office yesterday. I had to move from my old office that I’ve resided for almost 6 years to a new office because my department has their own building now. It’s pretty sad to leave the old office. It’s almost like home, considering that I don’t have a home. There were so much sweet memories there, but I know that I have to leave it at some point anyway. I just like to hang on to those memories for as long as I can. I went through my things to see what to throw and what to keep, and it amazed me of how much crap I’ve saved throughout these years; some paper cuttings of The Corrs, Gillian, Angelina, Brad, etc. I found copies of the police reports for my car accidents, all caused by me except one. I used to think I was unlucky for having so many accidents, but my brother said I was very lucky because I’m still alive. I never saw it that way, but maybe he’s right, maybe I am a lucky person. Or maybe I have 9 lives and I’ve probably used 6 of them. But I think I’ve used more than that. I almost drowned twice when I was young. So that means I’ve used 8 of my lives. I only have one left, and yet I still drive carelessly. My time’s coming up soon; better make full use of it. I still kept the flowers she gave me. I still remember the day she gave me those sunflowers. It was my 26th birthday and I was in my old office. It was after office hours and suddenly there’s a knock on my door. I thought it’s one of the students because they like to come around that time. I didn’t like it because I didn’t want to be bothered, but when I opened the door, I was so surprised to see her there. She had never come there before; I was surprise that she can even find my office. Apparently it’s easy to find me at my workplace. Apart from her, I’ve had 2 other surprise visits from 2 guys that I never thought I’d see again. But that’s another story. Anyway, she gave me the flowers and wished me happy birthday. I didn’t know what to do and how to react. I invited her in and I asked if she wanted to get something to drink, but she looked so moody and she said that she had to leave. After she left, I was baffled with the whole thing, but I didn’t think much of it. I thought she’s the kind who loves to give birthday presents to people, and I was one of those ungrateful ones that sometimes don’t even remember people’s birthdays. That happened way before anything happened between us. Sometimes I wondered why I kept her flowers all these years even after they’re dead and gray. Last time a guy gave me a dozen red roses, but I only kept them till they’re dead. I threw it away but kept the vase because I thought I can use it for something else. So why did I keep her flowers? Somehow I felt they’re important to keep. Of course I won’t throw them away now after everything that happened. I guess I’ve used to seeing it that I didn’t get choke up by just looking at it now. But as I looked through more things, I found a tissue with the name ‘Piper’ written on it. I opened it up and it’s a tissue from Finnegan’s, the place where we first met. A group of us who were fans of The Corrs met up for the first time there back in 2000, I think. Some of them signed the tissue for me and I didn’t remember the existence of it until yesterday. The only thing that caught my eyes was her name and I broke down. With everything that happened around me, it strengthens my resolve on leaving this country. Then why did I buy an apartment? I never wanted to have anything that will tie me down here. But when I think about it, I do need a place to keep all my things. I can only bring 2 bags, so I have to leave everything else behind. I have so many things from my time in Michigan (they’re still in the boxes), and everything that I’ve acquired during these 6 years. I can’t throw them away and I don’t have any place to put them since I don’t really have a house. So basically I bought an apartment just to put all my things. Hmm, that’s a pretty expensive storage space. I can’t leave then with my mother because she’s living with my stepfather, so it’s not her house. Besides the last time I left my things with my mother, all of them were gone because of termites. I’ve lost so many things from my childhood. All I have left was a pencil holder that was a present I received from school because I was the best student for Math when I was 15. There’s a picture of a fish on a hook and it said “even a fish will not get into trouble if he knows WHEN to keep his big mouth SHUT.” It’s funny how fitting it was for me. I always got into trouble at school because I tend to say things that weren’t acceptable. And even now most of my troubles were caused because of my mouth. My friend told me about a girl that converted to Christianity from my religion. She met the girl at her church and she didn’t want to tell me in the first place because she didn’t know how I’d react. A few years back, I would have think bad of this person, but I’ve learned that people have the right to choose their own religion and their belief to whatever that they feel right for them. Everyone has the right to choose their own path without being condemned for their actions. Why should people stick to a religion that they’re born to if they’ve lost their faith in that religion? Who are we to judge people? The kittens were so small. All they did was drinking milk, fighting for their favorite spot and sleeping. Right now they’re sleeping and they looked so adorable. I like their smell, they smell of milk, and their furs are so soft that it’s nice to rub your mouth on them.
Saturday, Jan. 15, 2005 | 00:19 The night before there was 3 kittens, but when I woke up yesterday’s morning, there were 5: 1 black and 4 white. I guess they might change colors later, I’m not sure. I’ll only keep one. I think I’m gonna name her Pretzel :) I think it’s easier to take care of female cats than male, so that’s why I want to have another female cat. Besides I don’t want to give all of Bagel’s kids away. The rest will be given to my niece, sister and brother. They just have to make sure to take care of the kittens or I’ll hunt them down. Bagel has been a great mother so far; she has never abandoned them for long. There was a major blackout yesterday afternoon; almost half of the country had no electricity for about 3 hours. I remember one night in 1996 when there’s a major blackout and the whole country’s affected by it. At that time, I was attending some sort of motivational course somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Even with the electricity, we’re surrounded by darkness. The funny part was that we just visited the power station that caused the major blackout that afternoon. We hope it’s not because we touched things that shouldn’t be touched :) It was such a beautiful night. I was somewhere far, far away and surrounded by friends. That night all of us sat outside on the field and just looked at the sky. We saw about 3 shooting stars, but I didn’t make any wish though. I went to my friend’s house last night to pick up the Twizzlers she bought from the States. Every time someone goes to the States, I always ask for that. I’ve been to her place lots of times but somehow I’ve never noticed it before. But last night, I saw it and it brought back so much memory. She said that it’s always been there, so then how come I’ve never seen it? It’s the coaster that she put on her eyes so that it looked like she has bug eyes. A friend took a picture and it’s such a cute picture.
Thursday, Jan. 13, 2005 | 02:15 I dreamt of her last night. Like all of my dreams, I didn’t know the beginning and the ending, just bits and pieces and they’re all jumbled up. I think I was looking at some pictures on the wall and suddenly I realized they’re pictures of Eliza Dushku. But as I looked at them longer, they’re pictures of her. I took a picture off the wall to look at it closely and I noticed there were some writings on it and it’s my name. Suddenly she’s there, so I asked her about it, but before she can answer, I answered it for her, that it meant nothing. I was hoping that she’d say something but she just kept quiet. Then all of sudden we’re climbing some rocks, it’s almost vertical. There were some steps but they’re far apart, it was a hard climb. She climbed before me and I followed behind, and we got to the top. All of a sudden, we’re in a car. I was driving and she’s seating beside me. I think I was sending her somewhere. She asked me if I want to have lunch with her cousins and friends, and I instantly said yes. That’s all that I can remember. Then I had a dream of Bagel giving birth and I had to gather her kittens. I guess there’s a reason why I dreamt of climbing some rocks because I met a friend today and he asked if I want to join them to climb Mount Kinabalu again in April. We first climbed that mountain back in 2000, I think. We started climbing in the morning and along the way, all of us kinda split up into different groups: the fast one, the slow one, and the one in between. I was the one in between. At a point I climbed the mountain alone. It was one of the most peaceful moments in my life. There were a couple of times when it was just me and the mountain. There was no one around, no buildings, no cars, just nature. It’s complete solitude. I want to get that back. Too bad there won’t be any white water rafting and snorkeling too. I love going there, the people seems so much nicer and politer. People in the city are rude, and the more I stay here, the more I become one. It’s not their fault though; life’s taking a toll on all of us. If we actually stop and talk to people, nicely, you’ll be amazed :) Anyway, I didn’t climb to the top last time. I didn’t have enough stamina. I got to the resting point, about one third of the way to the top around 6 pm, and then we rested and had to continue climbing at 2 am. It was so cold up there and there’s no heater. We had to take really cold showers, should be good for me now :D I probably had 1-2 hours of sleep, and then woke up for the next climb. I was so out of it, I can’t pull anymore strength out of me. There was another resting point after that. I saw some beds and I instantly crashed down, I was completely out. I thought I’d just take a short rest and continue to the top after that, but by the time I woke up, it’s too late, it’s already foggy and we had to walk down. I wasn’t that disappointed, I know that I wasn’t capable of doing it. Besides mountains don’t move, there’s always another chance. So here’s my chance to conquer that mountain again. It’s only the sixth week of the semester and I’m already tired and burnt out. I’m tired of teaching the same thing over and over again, I’m tired of the students not getting what I said, and I’m tired of stupid questions. They said I talk too fast, that my English is too advance for them. And here I am thinking that my English is getting poorer and poorer. I met my ex-head of department and he asked me how everything was. I said I’m tired and he said he knows that I’m tired of teaching. I guess it shows. Yep, it’s almost time to pack my bags. I checked one of my email accounts that I don’t use anymore except to load some stuff. The server crashed, so I just want to check whether all the emails that I’ve saved from years ago were still there. I looked into the ‘saved messages’ folder and I saw her emails. She used to write to that email address. Sometimes I didn’t hear from her for months and once in a while she’d email me. I saved some of her emails, some because she forwarded some poems or she wrote some poems, some because she explained about some terms like ‘terza rima’ or something, some because she explained about some books, and some because her emails sounded cute or funny. And all these emails were from 2000-2001. She showed me some parts of the sonnet that she wrote for Andrea. I think she wanted to give it to her when they came here in 2001. We went to the airport but she missed them. I got there faster because I lived close by, so I got to see a glimpse of her. She had to wait for this guy to pick her up and they got there late. I remember her look that morning; she looked really sad and solemn. Bagel just gave birth! I was writing this entry when suddenly my niece came out from her room and told me that. Bagel was sleeping next to her, then she realized that there’s some wetness. Bagel gave birth to three kittens. I was shocked with the news; I didn’t know what to do. Luckily my niece was there to help me. Actually she did most of the work. I was too shocked to do anything. She’s too young to be a mother, I’m afraid she won’t know what to do and just leave her young-uns to do their own things.
Wednesday, Jan. 12, 2005 | 00:39 My head’s hurting after looking at all these Java code, and going back and forth from the computer screen to the book. I have to learn them a day before I have to teach the students. Actually I know not much of Java but they assigned me to teach the lab. It’s too late for me to reject. I just can’t show to the students that I don’t know that much, heh :) Besides I can learn something new. I need lots of knowledge to buff up my resume. I want to be a computer geek after this. My throat’s hurting and I’ve been getting lots of headaches but I still can’t stop smoking. Every time I feel like I can’t take another puff, I keep on reaching for the box. Some people were born with bad lungs and they have to go through lots of medical procedure just to make it better, but I have perfect lung and I want to destroy it. It’s pretty stupid come to think of it, but I tend to do lots of stupid things. It’s a waste of money and bad for health, so why do I still put this cancer stick in my mouth? And now my left shoulder feels pretty sore. I must have not slept right last night, probably because all of the tossing and turning. I had a weird dream. I was in a house, I think, and it’s burning. I tried to run away and I did, but I got burn anyway because the heat was too intense. My left feet got burned pretty badly and I had to limp to get away. I can see the flesh rotting away. Bagel’s getting excited with the insect flying around the house. I hope she won’t jump on me. I’ve taken her to see the doctor to make sure that she’s alright and she can deliver her baby safely. I don’t want to lose her. Everybody says that I’m gonna be a grandmother soon :) She was so fierce when we took her to doctor, I got scratched again. I had lunch with my brother and went out of the office for hours. There’s no class and my boss wasn’t looking for me, so that’s fine. I don’t have that much time to spend with him alone, so whenever he asks me out, I try to make time for him. He mentioned about the banners that were hanged around the city about the tsunami. Both of us have the same opinion that it’s a waste of money to do all those expensive banners, the money that’s better use for the victims, but some political parties chose this time to show people just how much they care by spending those money on unnecessary banners. It’s like an advertisement I saw for an insurance company that’s trying to make profit during this time of need. But then he started promoting his OmegaTrend again, something that I’m not interested at all. I told him that I’ve been doing something that I don’t particularly like for 6 years now, so why would I want to do something else that I don’t have passion for? Maybe I can make good money from it, but I’ve never wanted to do something just for the purpose of making money. Of course having lots of money is good, it can help a lot, but I need to make money doing something that I love. But that’s it, I can’t pinpoint one thing that I love and will make money. All I’ve been searching for in life is happiness. Money can buy temporary happiness, but I want something permanent. At a time, I thought I’ve found my perfect happiness, but I screwed up. I remember a time when we’re on a plane, on our way to the States. We decided to visit the cockpit. The pilots must have loved having young girls hanging around there that we’re allowed to stay there for a long time. One of the pilots read my hand and he said that I will finally find happiness when I turn 25, and I was 20 at that time. I didn’t believe him, of course, I just like people reading my hand and telling me all these ridiculous things. But now when I think about it, maybe he was right, I did find happiness at the age of 25. It was the year 2000 and that’s the first time I met her, my happiness. It didn’t last though; he didn’t mention anything about me being able to maintain that happiness. The guy that guessed my number has been calling me, and it’s getting annoying. I think it’s enough for me to talk and hang out with him during office hours, whenever I visited the technician room. Maybe that guy for me is like what I am to her, annoyance. I was nice to him, but it’s not an invitation for something more. That’s what she said, she’s tried to be nice to me, but that’s all there was to it, I shouldn’t think it’s something more. But then her idea of being nice to me was to say all the things that shouldn’t be said to people that you don’t want to give hope for. But maybe that’s just her, she likes to tease. She did tell me about a butch girl that she teased even though she’s not interested in her. I should have remembered that story before I gave myself all these false hope.
Monday, Jan. 10, 2005 | 21:20 I went to a friend’s wedding yesterday. I got lost on the way, twice. Luckily there’s another friend in the car. It’s our fault for not bringing the map, but apparently we will get lost even with the map. It’s a pretty fun ride, never the less, because the radio’s playing songs that we used to listen to when we were in school, like "Lost in Emotion" by Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam and "I’ve Been Waiting For You" by Guys Next Door. It’s a cheesy song, but it’s a reminder of the good times when life’s so much easier than today. Add up Bros and New Kids on the Block and we’d be on a roll :) It’s always fun meeting up with old friends from high school. There are some that you can only meet up once in a while, in weddings or reunions, with a group of friends, but not to hang out because you won’t know what to talk about anyway. Sometimes people became friends in school because they’re a friend of a friend, so you’re friends by relation, but when it’s just the two of you, it felt awkward. But sometimes it’s easy to get along because we always have those 5 years in school to talk about. These are the people that I grew up with during my growing up years. I spent more time with them during those 5 years than with my family. I was in an all-girls boarding school from the age of 13 to 17. We know each other enough to know what to expect and not to take any offence. Sometimes things don’t change. People that made fun of you in school still make fun of you today. People that have some sort of power over you still possess that power. Sometimes you can’t change things, but you can stay away. One of our friends came late but we wanted to leave. She tried to make me stay with her, kinda forcefully, even when she has her husband there. Luckily I have a solid reason to leave, but if given a bit more push, I would have stayed even when I didn’t want to. When we were in school, I always had to follow her even when I didn’t want to because I was never good in turning people down. Normally on Sunday, she would ask me to join her for breakfast at the school’s canteen. I was pretty poor in school, but I can’t say no, and I didn’t want people to know just how poor I was. But they're wonderful memories anyway. It’s funny how we can still remember which ‘sport’s house’ people in school were from, even when we didn’t know them that well, and it’s been 12 years since I left that school. I showed a friend pictures of Bagel in my mobile phone and she asked me if I have pictures of her. Why would I want to put pictures of her in there, it’ll be just a constant reminder of what I’ve lost. I’ve put away her hair clip and fern leaf pin from my car. I put them in the red box she gave me and put the box in another box in the store room. But I don’t have the heart to put Droozy away. I don’t want him to be covered with cobwebs. Besides, I can put all her things away, but I can’t erase the memories. Everyday I would wake up in the morning and I’ll think of her. Like this morning, suddenly I thought about a poem she wrote that I thought was about me. I could be so ‘perasan’ sometimes. I don’t even know what the equivalent English word is. ‘Perasan’ is so much better anyway. I asked her and she said it’s not. Heh, I felt like such a fool after that. I started guessing who it is about. Actually my first guess was the right one, but she denied it. She didn’t exactly say that it’s not about that person, but she asked me why I thought it’s about her. I said it’s just a guess. I figured it out later; it’s not that hard to figure. I guess she’s the ‘precious’ one, not me. I’m nothing to her.
Sunday, Jan. 09, 2005 | 03:08 It’s a bit unnerving when someone you hardly know can tell so much about you by just knowing your name and looking at you. I’ve never revealed a lot of things to him but he seemed to be able to spot things straight on. He said that my father married up till the quota; well he’s right, but it’s more than the quota. Probably I’ve implied it by saying I have many ‘mothers’. Then he said I used to be anti-men. I completely disagreed with that because I never have any issues with men, only some of them but that didn’t make it enough for me to hate them. I said if I hate men I wouldn’t have hanged out with them, even more than girls sometimes. So he rephrased, it’s not that I hate men but I used to think that I can live without them. Hmm, maybe there’s some truth in that, sure, when I thought I had a life with someone. I asked him to expand more on that, about me being ‘anti-men’ like he called it. He just looked at me and smile. That gave me the creeps, like he knows something more. But I just smiled and pretended he’s wrong about everything. He also said that I used to have a boyfriend that’s living overseas. Of course he’s wrong about the ‘boyfriend’ part. He also knew my favorite Ella’s song. But the creepiest part of all, he can guess my exact phone number. I was sure none of them knows my number and it’s not available anywhere. At first he can guess some of the numbers, and then he sat down and listed all the possibilities. After that he cancelled some of the numbers and lined up the right one. It was my number. Maybe I should stay away from him for awhile. Or maybe he’s one of those people that can tell people just by their names. Besides I don’t want to know about myself or about my past. I’ve lived through it, I know it by heart. I want to know about my future, something to guide me because I’m completely lost. There’s a new McDonald that just opened near my place. It’s even closer than that KFC. And all I think about was that she doesn’t have to go that far now and it won’t be a waste of time. “What a waste of time.” “Now you know.”But oh hell, what’s the point anymore? McChicken and fries: I can’t believe I cried just by looking at them. I don’t want to hear about living under the same sky, I might as well live in Pluto for all she cares because it makes no difference. I went shopping with my friend to find materials for her wedding dresses. I had to model for her so that she can see how it’d look like when it’ll become a real dress. It’s weird looking at me in the mirror with that wedding dress. Luckily I didn’t have to try that many dresses, but I had to try the material for the man’s clothes to see if it’d match with hers, and because I was taller than the other friend. They have lots of beautiful colors in the store, and I was thinking of what my color would be if I ever have a wedding. Hah, what a big joke. Probably I shouldn’t have tried those wedding bands too. “Would you marry me if you’re a guy?” “Yes.” “It won’t work anyway.” “Why not? “Because of religion.”Why did she ask that question in the first place? Of course I’ll marry her, in a heartbeat. I don’t get it. Did she ask it to get some confirmation that I would go the distance for her, or was it just to ridicule me? Suddenly I felt that I must have sounded like a fool for wanting to be with her so much but I got pushed aside no matter how hard I try to convince her. Well, from buying wedding dresses to attending a friend’s wedding tomorrow. It's so cool to have a notebook and a cellphone that can be a modem too. I can be online anytime I want. I wish I've had this a long time ago, but money matters didn't allow me. It would have helped a lot, and now all these technology is of no use to me.
Friday, Jan. 07, 2005 | 16:03 When I went home yesterday, I saw the cat that occasionally ate at my place had something in her mouth. I followed her because I wanted to know what it was. I thought it might be a frog or something. Then I saw that it’s a bird but I thought it’s dead. But then she dropped the bird and it’s still moving. So I tried to save the bird but she held on to it really tight. I had to hit her head a couple of times to make her drop the bird. After she dropped it, I brought the cat to my place and fed it. Then I went down to check on the bird. It’s a small bird, just a baby. It’s alive but it’s just standing there. I took it home because if I left it there, some other cats would have eaten it. The cat was still there, eating Bagel’s food. I was holding on to the bird but not that tightly because I was afraid that I might hurt it. I thought maybe I can take care of it until she can fly away. But the bird squirmed and it fell from my hand. I didn’t realize the cat was nearby. The cat jumped at it and had it in her mouth. I had to hit her head a couple of times again for the cat to drop the bird. When she finally dropped it, I picked up the bird but I saw that her stomach’s hanging outside and she’s dying. I can’t save it anymore. It died right in front of my eyes. Just a couple minutes before, it was alive and there’s a chance for life. But in an instance, it’s dead and there’s nothing I can do about it. All I wanted was to save it, but I failed miserably. My niece said that if I didn’t come home at that time, it would be dead anyway. But there’s a reason why I got there at the right time, right? To save it, but I failed. How I can let it slipped from my hand? Why didn’t I put the cat outside when I took the bird in? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do anything right? I have all the right intentions but it went miserably wrong. I tried so hard to hide my pain from my niece. When I was young, my mother took home a bird that she found on the way home. I wanted to hold the bird but it squirmed on my hand and I dropped it. It died a couple of minutes later. Nothing I touch turn to gold. The only time I managed to save a bird was with my sister. Probably it’s because she’s there to take good care of it. If it’s left for me alone, it would have died under my care. I felt really bad. I could have hanged on to it more tightly. I could have done something more. And I shouldn’t hit the cat, she’s just a cat, it’s her instinct. It’s all my fault. I was at one of the places that were struck by the tsunami a week before it happened. I wish I was there at that time, so that it can sweep me away. It would do everybody good. Or even if I survive, at least I can help the people around me. I was never at the right place at the right time. I accidentally hit my head on the bathroom wall just now. My head still hurts. If I'm Omarosa, I would say that I have a concussion :) Thank god I'm not a hypochondriac (one of the words that I still remember from all those late night SAT classes). How did I bump my head? All of sudden I thought of my 28th birthday. I put too much expectation on her. I expected to get a birthday message when I turned on my phone in the morning, but there’s no message. I expected to get an e-card when I opened my e-mail, but there’s none. I expected to have a birthday message for me posted in her blog, but there wasn’t. But she did something much better. She called at 12.50 p.m. to wish me happy birthday, but I was too consumed with my disappointments that I can’t appreciate what she did at that time. I should be thankful that she called and that she’s okay, but so many emotions were playing in my head that I can’t think right. She even sang me The Birthday Song. It’s so touching and sweet but I can’t say it to her at that time. Why am I so stupid? Then I had to leave at 1 p.m. because we had some sort of joined birthday party in the office. She called that evening to talk about it but I was still in that bad mood. She shouldn’t have called and let me be for awhile until I cool down by myself, which didn’t take long anyway. If she didn’t call, I wouldn’t have said those words that she won’t ever forget and I will forever regret. Now there’s no way of taking it back. And I feel like she won’t ever forgive me. Sometimes I felt like there’s a chance for her to forgive me, but the next day everything turned the other way around. It’s so confusing. I didn't have any expectation for my birthday last year and I didn't get anything. Serves me well, eh.
Thursday, Jan. 06, 2005 | 17:17 I know I said that I won’t write here again, but I change my mind. I can be fickle too. Someone once said that they use the blog as a place to say their mind, kinda like a cathartic thing, like finding yourself or whatever it is. I can’t remember the exact thing. So I think, oh well, I can use this as way to find some sort of peace or whatever it is I’m trying to find. Although I don’t think it’s gonna work, but I might as well give it a try. There’s so much sadness in the world, I don’t even know where to start. I used to love watching MTV; looking at beautiful people prancing around, showing their cool dance routines and fancy video clips. But I don’t find any enjoyment in watching that anymore. Now, whenever I had nothing to watch, I’d leave it on CNN or BBC News. But after all the news about destruction in the world, people having not enough of everything, people died here and there, I need some comfort in the Cartoon Network or Disney Channel, momentary satisfaction. I don’t watch sitcoms anymore, except for Friends reruns and Even Stevens. All I want is some silly teenage good ole laugh like the ones you get from Powerpuff Girls and Totally Spies. Reality shows are just plain silly that they’re fun to watch, but sometimes it makes me think too much. When I watched the news and looked at the people that lost their loved ones and their homes, I wonder how they’re doing, what they’re thinking, how are they going to rebuild their lives. Some of them must be numbed by everything that happened to them. I remember the time I felt numb. I know it’s not as tragic as what they’re going through, but it’s a tragedy in it’s own way in my world. It happened on the night of 30 December 2003, or more precisely, the early morning of 31 December 2003. It’s the first time we saw each other again after she left here for the first time. Before the ‘break’, we had lots of talks of what we’d do when we first saw each other again. I had in mind that I would pick her up from the airport, or I would come over the next morning and brought her breakfast and we’d talk the whole day. But things never happen the way you want it to be. Instead we had a talk that didn’t go well at all. I hoped the place that we met would bring back good memories but it just created bad memories that I don’t want to remember. I asked her if she didn’t want to see me anymore and she nodded her head. I said all my sorry but she didn’t believe I was sorry. In fact she felt that I was fake and superficial, that it was just an act because it’s too soon for me to change so drastically. I believe that one of the ways to make people realize all their mistakes and change themselves for the better is when they know that they’re losing everything they have. There’s a time when she said, “You know what bites?” I kept quiet and waiting for her to continue, then she said, “Everything before was crap.” At that time I was stunned. Was she saying that she had such a terrible time the whole time she’s with me but now that we broke up, everything’s no longer ‘crap’? But then she continued and said that now I wanted to go dancing and doing everything that I said I didn’t want to do before. She was mistaken and I thought she knew me enough to know when I’m joking and when I’m not. Of course I was just joking when I said that I didn’t want to go dancing with her. I was here and she was there. But when the time comes and we're together at one place, whatever she asks of me, I’d do anything and everything for her. In a way I was relieved when she said that, it’s not as bad as I thought she would say. Later she told me not to call her, message her, email her or stand outside her house. I can’t say anything except ‘okay’. My brain’s trying to process everything but everything seemed to be in slow motion. I asked if she hates me that much and she said she didn’t know. But what baffled me the most was when she ruffled my hair and said that she’d see me in a couple of years. Then she left and I stood by my car and just watched her car passed by. After that, like a zombie, I sat in my car, turned the engine on, and drove back to my place. My mind was empty, I drove on automatic. I didn’t cry, I didn’t do anything except drive. My friend called and the moment I talked to her, I broke down, everything just rushed out. I can’t even control it anymore; I can’t see the road clearly. So my friend said that she’d call me later and let me drove home safely. Well, that’s one of my numb moments. I didn’t lose my loved ones because of natural disaster or things that are beyond my control. I lost her because of my stupidity and childishness. I lost her because I was weak, I can’t control my emotions, I became too sensitive and dependent. I lost her because I was a jerk. I lost her because I was too afraid of losing her, the irony of it all. At least one good thing happened to me. I got a letter from the admin the other day saying that I can submit my thesis by 31 December 2004, which I already did. One thing off my mind, millions more to go. This song kept playing in my head last night and today even though I haven't heard it for a long time. It's a beautiful song. At first I didn't like it because it's too mushy, but I love the lyrics. Beautiful in My Eyes by Joshua Kadison You're my peace of mind In this crazy world You're everything I've tried to find Your love is a pearl You're my Mona Lisa You're my rainbow sky And my only prayer is that you realize... You'll always be beautiful in my eyes The world will turn And the seasons will change And all the lessons we will learn Will be beautiful and strange We'll have our fill of tears Our share of sighs My only prayer is that you realize... You'll always be beautiful in my eyes There are lines upon my face From a lifetime of smiles And when the time comes to embrace For one long last while We can laugh about How time really flies We won't say good-bye Cause' true love never dies... You'll always be beautiful in my eyes You will always be Beautiful in my eyes And the passing years will show That you will always grow Ever more beautiful in my eyesI just hope she realizes.
Friday, Dec. 31, 2004 | 18:42 I've finally submitted my master's thesis after 5 years of playing around it. Some people could have gotten their doctorate degree, but it took me that long just to finish my master's. But it's not really done, I still have to go through viva, hopefully with just some minor corrections, then I'll be completely done with it. But at least, a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. It feels lighter now, not that much though, just a bit. There's a heavier burden in my heart. When I think back, what have I done over these past years that made it so hard for me to complete it? In the beginning, I had a different topic and a different supervisor. I was never that interested in doing this master anyway, but I had to because it's a requirement to work in this university. Not that I intend to become a lecturer, but I had to work here for 7 years, so I have no other choice. Well, I can quit and pay the bond, which is the same amount with buying a comfortable apartment, so it's not worth it. I stayed and I did what I have to do. Lack of interest and lack of push made me ignore my thesis altogether. Other things were more important to me, like reading fanfictions and made a site dedicated to it. I could stay in the office for hours doing just that. And when I said 'for hours', I meant until 2 or 3 am on a weekdays and I had to work early the next morning. I have weird priorities, I know. So, for a couple of years I didn't do anything. I kept getting emails from the administration, then I wrote letters asking for exte |